Sunday, February 13, 2011

Six Sentence Sunday

I saw this on J C Martin's blog and think it's a great idea.  You have to post six sentences of your writing for critique.  This is what I was trying to get at with the Sunday Snapshots here at the Writer's Hole - something very short, just to share.

But it's hard to get people to limit their sharing to something really short.  I feel that we are in a very quick-paced social media universe; people don't have time to read pages and pages and comment on it.  (Well, at least I don't.)  But I love sharing stuff I'm working on, 'cuz writing is a lonely profession.  ("One is such a lonely number...")

So, here are my six sentences.  I know there are a lot of "ands" but I don't know how to describe this kind of action without them.

      
With a great effort she whispered,  “Raynor, please don’t.”
 “You may not speak to me!”  He lunged at her as if to tear her apart with his hands.  She screamed and Nighfala leapt up, caught his arm in her teeth and pulled him down.  He hit his head on the floor and grunted.  The spell died. Nighfala let him go and began licking his face. 

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7 comments:

  1. UnknownFebruary 13, 2011 at 6:45 AM

    Nice excerpt! You've certainly got me intrigued, here. Who or what is Nighfala? What was the spell? What does she not want Raynor to do?

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  2. NighfalaFebruary 13, 2011 at 7:44 AM

    Heh heh heh! I can't wait until it's done and I can let some people read it.

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  3. Sage RavenwoodFebruary 13, 2011 at 11:24 AM

    I agree, this is definitely intriguing. Can't wait till you share more. (Hugs)Indigo

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  4. NighfalaFebruary 13, 2011 at 12:17 PM

    Hi Indigo,
    It's nice to hear from you. How are things going with you?

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  5. J.C. MartinFebruary 13, 2011 at 3:07 PM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

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  6. J.C. MartinFebruary 13, 2011 at 3:08 PM

    Great to see your 6 sentences! Perhaps next week you can sign up officially to the movement:

    http://sixsunday.blogspot.com/

    Nice 6 sentences! What is Nighfala? And what a cool name! Might I suggest a couple of changes:

    The first 'a' seems unnecessary: "With great effort, she whispered..." seems sufficient.

    And to help cut down on the 'and's:

    "He lunged at her as if to tear her apart with his hands. She screamed. Nighfala leapt up, caught his arm in her teeth and pulled him down. He grunted as he hit his head on the floor, disrupting the spell. Nighfala let him go and began licking his face."

    Also perhaps you could replace the 'he' with a name, as even in that short snippet I stumbled a bit figuring out who was doing or saying what. Is 'he' Raynor?

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  7. NighfalaFebruary 13, 2011 at 4:29 PM

    Hi J.C. Thanks for the input!

    I tried to sign up "officially" but it said that the Linky was full.

    ReplyDelete

I apologize for the word verification. I hate it, but the spammers made me do it.

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