Wednesday, September 4, 2013

The Internal Dialogue Dilemma

Internal dialogue is the term writers use for the thoughts that run through people's heads, revealing emotions, prejudices, states of mind, and reactions to external events. My current story has quite a bit of it, as the character thinks she is being haunted. She lives alone and talks to a friend she runs with on the beach every night, but much of the action takes place in her house.

I tend to prefer to put internal dialogue in third person so that it blends seamlessly with the narrative. Other writers (and readers) prefer that it be in first person and italicized. I'm going to give you an example and ask what you think.

Third person (the way I wrote it):

     Amber strode to the door, pushed it shut, and locked both the knob and the deadbolt. She could call the police, but what would she tell them? That she thought she’d seen a ghost and her front door was open? She checked in closets, behind shower curtains, and any other place a person could hide but no bogeymen jumped out at her. Leaving the lights on, she went back to bed still clutching the flashlight.


First person, italics:

     Amber strode to the door, pushed it shut, and locked both the knob and the deadbolt. I could call the police, but what would I tell them? That I thought I saw a ghost and my front door was open? She checked in closets, behind shower curtains, and any other place a person could hide but no bogeymen jumped out at her. Leaving the lights on, she went back to bed still clutching the flashlight.


Only now we have dialogue buried in the midst of description, which requires paragraph breaks:

     Amber strode to the door, pushed it shut, and locked both the knob and the deadbolt.  
     I could call the police, but what would I tell them? That I thought I saw a ghost and my front door was open? 
     She checked in closets, behind shower curtains, and any other place a person could hide but no bogeymen jumped out at her. Leaving the lights on, she went back to bed still clutching the flashlight.


This is really disruptive, so I could take the internal dialogue out altogether:

Amber strode to the door, pushed it shut, and locked both the knob and the deadbolt. She checked in closets, behind shower curtains, and any other place a person could hide but no bogeymen jumped out at her. Leaving the lights on, she went back to bed still clutching the flashlight.

In my opinion, this version deprives the reader of valuable insight as to her state of mind.


Really, though, in the end, it boils down to personal preference. So, which of the three versions would YOU prefer?

3 comments:

  1. In this instance, I prefer the third person with internal dialogue, but I can see plenty of instances where first person works better. Still, a very interesting point to bring up that I really wish I had thought about more often.

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  2. Nick, this is why it takes me so darn long to finish anything. I obsess over every detail. Thanks for stopping by and commenting.

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  3. Of course, the person whose preference matters the most is the EDITOR!

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